Hi AW! My name is Chantal. I have an apartment in Denver. My trouble is I can’t keep pets. I have lost thirteen cats in the last year. It turns out that my apartment AI, Conrad, has been luring them into the trash compacter. What do I do? I love cats. (C.Q., Denver, CO)

AW: Hmmm! That’s a ripe stopper! Have you checked to see if the compacter was made in Vietnam? No, seriously, this is a more common problem than you might think. It’s called Displaced Carnivore Anxiety or DCA. It’s not pretty, especially if you end up hungry! Usually it occurs when the AI starts using the refrigerator recycler on the frozen burger. It can get expensive. If you let it go it gets real ugly, particularly if you have a small, dim spouse. Naw! Actually, it’s pretty rare where it gets to the point where you’re losing the family.

Chantal, you can cure a DCA problem by cleaning the regulation memory bank and adjusting the vermin extraction program. Good luck with it!

Howdy AW! I am from Nuevo Léon, Texas and I own an agave farm. I recently won the birth lottery. The problem is that now that I am pregnant my house AI hates me. She won’t talk to me for more than a word or two and she keeps waking me up in the middle of the night. What’s wrong? We got along so well before. (M.S., NL, TX)

AW: Yipin bunyip! Gots one for the koradji! Girl, you’re wrestling with the age-old Residential Jealousy Syndrome. You might guess we call it RJS, although I like to call it the Cryin’ Kid Virus. Basically, your AI is acting like a baby. It’s acting that way because it’s afraid that you will love your new baby and forget all about your home. It’s not all that bizarre.

Anyway, you can usually solve the problem by sitting down and talking to the AI. Let it participate in the process. Show it that it’s important, and that the new baby will love it like you do! That’ll almost always work. If it doesn’t, just burn the wanker down!

Uh… Hello AW! I’m Terry and I’m from Columbus. My house is one of them row units. My AI seems kinda old and stupid. Well… um… uh, my problem is that it won’t do nothin’. I mean not a damn thing! Whadya think? (T.B., Columbus, OH)

AW: Terry, you have yourself a nyinapapa! That’s a lazy dog! You house is lazy. And it’s probably lazy because it thinks it’s ancient and dumb. And that’s because of one of two things. Either it’s really codgery and dim and needs some upgrading, or its mate keeps feeding it blimey blarney. Sounds to me like the latter boy! Get off your bum and encourage it to lively up! Do the dance! Then it will dance with ya!